Sooo we are two and one half weeks into the New Year and I have not broken any New Year's Resolutions because truth be told I didn't make any. Yet, I am remiss in procrastinating this Blog Entry.  Perhaps, it's because the intended subject matter is 'Wisdom," and that is by no means my area of expertise. Bad experience has been my best teacher. I certainly do not profess to be a Professor of The Profound. What I am though is a survivor of the public humiliation of slipping on the  banana peel, putting my foot in my mouth and begrudgingly recognizing what I dislike in others is often a reflection of my own imperfections. I think around this time in the year we all take some kind of inventory of our lives: What we have to be grateful for, what works- what doesn't, what we should not carry over into the New Year. That can take the form of relationships, possessions, weight regrets, bad habits, anger, heartache and just a lot of emotional baggage and bad advice.

I stopped making New Year's Resolutions eons ago. Maybe it's because I don't think of this point in time as the indicator for new beginnings. For me, each day offers that possibility. For better or worse, I am very inner-directed and so am always reassessing and recalibrating priorities. What I hope is that I exfoliate that which no longer nourishes my cellular being. I shed the artifice of pretending to be what  I am not. And above all I embrace the lessons learned from parents, teachers and mentors. I interrupt the negativity and fill my spiritual and cerebral knapsack with all the wisdom accrued over a lifetime of navigating through this world.

Here's some of The Stuff that's travelling with me into 2016....

Under no circumstances will I ever assume or ask a woman if she is pregnant until the baby is crowning. I made that devastating faux paus while pregnant myself on vacation in Barbados. It was my first pregnancy and I was so excited to come upon what I mistook as a Sister-Sojourner. I asked her when her baby was due. She became Evil-Incarnate when she responded, "I gave birth seven months ago and this is what you will have to look forward to. I had not a clue how to retract my stinging incorrect assumption, how to neutralize it or even how to make a transition. Sadly, I just retreated feeling both mortified at the psychic pain my ignorance had contributed to and horrified at the thought that according to this woman my post-partum appearance would forever be an invitation for strangers to rub my belly. I would never enter into this treacherous dialogue again.

The other No Man's Land (Gender-Neutral) I no longer trespass is that of The Political Argument. One used to be able to agree to disagree or actually allow one with an opposing point of view to be heard and to find common ground. Now you cannot walk that tightrope without setting off tirade grenades and risk detonating whatever relationship pre-existed and leaving scorched earth in its place. We have become too polarized ,uncivil and people resort to personal attacks. No one shifts their position and it becomes theater of the absurd. I no longer engage. It is a challenge to remember that we are all citizens of the same country given the divisiveness and how instead of strategizing to seek solutions , we demonize those who don't echo our opinions. I can't help but wonder how Mark Twain would respond to this verbal vitriol and gridlock given his famous quote,"If two people always agree, one of them is unnecessary".

My new Mantra is  Whenever Possible----Be Kind. That is a big umbrella for many of life's scenarios. One is that when I sense someone is struggling or in turmoil,  I reach out. It also means accepting and respecting one's right to reject or ignore your outreach because they may not be ready to open up. In that case I respect their privacy even if it is their need to perpetrate a charade. The hope is that in time they will be in a different space and will recognize your well-intentioned overture.   

I bite my tongue a lot, keep scrolling down my newsfeed and still delete some of my uncensored snark that oozes out. Exercising the kindness muscle requires self-policing and a disciplined regime. I lost a dear friend a few years back. When we connected she was going through a rancorous divorce from her husband who had been her childhood love and my college friend. Given that she was suffering  from the disease that would eventually take her life, the deterioration of her marriage and her ex-husband's behavior towards her was particularly torturous.  Very recently, after no communication since I had been a college freshman, I received a letter from her ex-husband. It was obvious from the contents that he was so conflicted and tormented by the loss of my beautiful friend and in search of allies because he felt characterized as the villain in the piece.  I took a deep breath and chose to be kind in my response. It was not for me to judge. He had to come to terms with his treatment of her. Instead, I focused on happy memories. I actually felt his wife was at peace and wanted him to find some before he left this world.

I also have decided to exhibit more kindness towards my husband. It became increasingly apparent to me that we were in competition to find out who was right. I found myself googling up a storm to prove he was confused about the name of an actor, movie, or vegetable.--you name it...The challenge was on.. Then I would triumphantly email him the  proof of my brilliance and his obvious ignorance. I was also losing patience with how often he forgot his phone or keys and went out of my way to comment. Then, it occurred to me --What is the endgame? I love this man. I  want to spend the rest of my life with him. Who cares if he thought it was Colin Furth instead of Colin Farrell or if we are actually watching Jeremy Irons and not Daniel Day-Lewis?. So now, I go out of my way to compliment him on his good judgment, let him know when I screw up and the result is we laugh a lot more about our mutual shortcomings but in a kinder, gentler way.

My other life-changing ephiphany has been on my approach to those who have suffered the loss of a loved one. Until we ourselves experience the death of a beloved, we may not fully understand the depth of despair. Even if sadly we are a member o"the club  nobody wants to belong to", we cannot predict another's response to loss.  I don't know anyone who is comfortable paying respects and offering condolences. When you reach the stage of life where you have attended too many funerals certain acceptable norms come into focus. The Bereaved steps into The Grief Limelight. It is their moment and telling that person that their eighty-five year old parent  lived a long life and this is not a tragedy should offer comfort during a difficult time, may not be what they want to hear.  I remember offering those words to soothe but my grief-stricken friend shot back, "It is never a good time to lose a parent and it is devastating to me to be orphaned." They did not want to hear that the deceased was blessed to have lived to attend graduations, wedding ,bar mitzvahs and the birth of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It was not a tragedy--upmanship and I got no points for having lost my dad when he was in his fifties. They are feeling anything but fortunate and will resent your attempts to minimize their justified pain.

Perhaps the most profound lesson I ever learned came from my sister Beth who by any measure suffered the worst fate of having to bury her sixteen year old daughter years before. We tragically were on our way to the funeral of a young man who had committed suicide. The parents were wonderful people and our dear friends. I remember so vividly turning to my sister and saying. "Thank goodness you are coming. You will offer so much comfort and know what to say."  I will never  forget her words,

"Shari, I will be the least comforting person because I have nothing to say. I know what lies ahead  for them and if there is away to minimize their pain, it has escaped me.'

It was then I realized sometimes all you can do is offer support by showing up, hugging them and crying with the mourners. Some need silence. Some need you to just listen and encourage them to share whatever it is they need to say. You are not there to offer platitudes or collective wisdom at that juncture. It doesn't mean that down the road they may not be more receptive. Do not disappear. Their pain and grief continues even as everyone  gets back to their routines. Keep reaching out. Share memories or photos of their loved ones. It helps keep their departed alive for them. Lastly, everyone grieves differently even in the same family. It is not for someone to determine when that period is over.

And lastly----this perhaps has been the most painful lesson. Sometimes people we love leave us of their own accord. They may not even offer  an explanation. It may be their need for autonomy or the pressure of a dysfunctional relationship. In an effort to salvage or restore a valued relationship--you may do everything in your power to communicate your desire to rectify this. It may be in the form of an  apology for perceived wrongs they may feel or an offer to do whatever it takes to get back on proper footing. Tragically sometimes despite crafting the perfect  mea culpa, or seeking out world class  experts on how to heal the rift-- if a person's heart is closed , you may not be able to penetrate the wall. Ultimately you need to accept that" sometimes people leave us halfway through the woods."  After you have sent out the search party, left bread crumbs and kept the lights on-- you need to accept that until their moral compass points true north--they may never return to where their story began..

And Very lastly... Put Vicks VapoRub on the soles of your feet and cover with socks  While it may not be the absolute magic elixir, it will clear your head... Then you too can ponder life's  imponderables